When it’s real, it feels familiar
I wasn’t scared of having short hair. I’ve done the big chop before and actually found it quite liberating, but that was many years ago. I’m not quite the same person. Who I am now with short hair is not who I once was…with short hair.
I’ve been holding on to unhealthy hair for a long time now, not because I thought I could repair it but because I was afraid there was nothing else I could do or that the something else to do would be too drastic and foreign. What if my hair never grows back? What if people thought I looked terrible? What if I had to wear a wig? Of course all the worst what ifs.
To do this and not feel scared, ugly, damaged, unloveable and unfeminine was my greatest challenge. As a result of all the inner turmoil I engaged in over making the decision to cut my hair, I discovered that I have never really looked at myself and seen my own beauty. Not really. I have looked at myself and seen what society sees as beautiful with a few hints of authentically me peeking out every so often, safely tucked behind acceptability.
This jarred me.
As a Gemini I hate being predictable and safe but as a human, like any human I rely on safety for many of the wrong reasons, namely to shield myself from my own truth. And how fucked up is that? I just got tired of hiding. I couldn’t understand how no one else could see the ugliness I was sweeping under the rug and how exhaustively heavy the burden was to carry. But if they had, I would have broken down further.
See me. Don’t see me. Too much crazy Gemini.
When I was done at the barbershop, no one looked at me crazy, with shock or confusion. In fact a couple of lovely ladies, stylist and her client told me they loved how I looked. They felt my nervousness while I was getting my haircut and gave my decision their blessing. The only side-eye I felt was internal, coming from me and deflected by me. It felt so damn good when all the hair was gone, it was like a natural high that lasted for days. The hot sun felt so good on my head. All my nerve endings were standing at attention alert to the sensations of air, heat, water, energy. It still feels fucking amazing. And I am so thankful for the support and love of my sisters without whom I may not have been able to find myself here, in a skin that is growing more familiar to me the more I allow my spirit to emerge.
I can’t live life just flailing around not trusting in myself. I have to trust myself otherwise I am constantly disconnected from my inner compass, no intuition or inner voice to guide me and that’s when I really feel the most lost, damaged and ugly. When I trust myself, dig deep, accept but not identify with my ego, I touch something real, not just in myself but others as well. This is how we help to heal one another.