I’ve been holding on to unhealthy hair for a long time now, not because I thought I could repair it but because  I was afraid there was nothing else I could do or that the something else to do would be too drastic and foreign. What if my hair never grows back? What if people thought I looked terrible? What if I had to wear a wig? Of course all the worst what ifs.

To do this and not feel scared, ugly, damaged, unloveable and unfeminine was my greatest challenge. As a result of all the inner turmoil I engaged in over making the decision to cut my hair, I discovered that I have never really looked at myself and seen my own beauty. Not really. I have looked at myself and seen what society sees as beautiful with a few hints of authentically me peeking out every so often, safely tucked behind acceptability.

This jarred me.

As a Gemini I hate being predictable and safe but as a human, like any human I rely on safety for many of the wrong reasons, namely to shield myself from my own truth. And how fucked up is that? I just got tired of hiding. I couldn’t understand how no one else could see the ugliness I was sweeping under the rug and how exhaustively heavy the burden was to carry. But if they had, I would have broken down further.

See me. Don’t see me. Too much crazy Gemini.