Category Archives: women of color

Sex With Me So Amazing

Like so many things I cherish, Esther Perel was shared with me by our dearest Khalilah Brann. Esther Perel is a therapist and psychologist whose primary focus is relationships and erotic intelligence, which I think is so dope. Erotic intelligence. Just think about that term for a minute. What comes to mind. What do you think it means?

I watch a lot of Youtube y’all. A LOT! And I can click on just about anything where Esther Perel speaks and be completely engaged, enlightened, enthralled and just wowed by her wisdom and intelligence and understanding of human sexuality and relationships. I always think I have some idea what she will say on a particular topic but she always ends up saying some truth I never knew I always knew! LOL! And in a way I never could have imagined. In other words, she surprises and empowers me at the same time. Since that doesn’t happen very often, I know when it’s real.

In the latest Esther Perel video I happened to click on randomly, she talks about how a woman has to be turned on by her own self before she can feel like she wants to have sex.

NOW!

It took 1.1 seconds for me to know this to be true but I’ve always thought that this quality in me was narcissistic and wrong because of the messaging I get from society about the evils of that kind of “self pleasuring.” But Esther doesn’t mince words. She’s not here to judge. She’s just saying it plain and she even uses the word narcissistic. But she’s not saying it’s bad. She’s just saying this is what it is that women need. We need to feel like we are sexy in order to have sex. “If she doesn’t want to make love to herself, she won’t let anybody else do it either.”

Nerisa

Cut to another woman Khalilah turned me onto, a Sistah named Nerissa Nefeteri, the self acclaimed “FemHealth Activist” whose Nene Feme Yoni wash stays in my bath time and shower rotation, the Sistah who brought us Yoni Poppin. I follow her on IG, another social media tool I am immersed in as much if not more than Youtube. Nerrissa will post a sexy random photo of herself and or her and her man (father of her beautiful children) in whatever position, wearing or not wearing whatever, whenever she sees fit. I can tell she gets off on herself but it’s not remotely similar to anything I would compare with pornography because she does it for herself, and not a male gaze. She could give a shit about what men are watching, though she know fully aware that they are. But these images are for herself and she shares them with us in an effort to promote a self awareness in Black women that really challenges notions of how we feel about our own  bodies, both physically, spiritually, emotionally and practically.

I’m not gonna lie. I sometimes will catch myself feeling like damn! I wish I could use visual mediums to be that bold and liberated about my own sexuality but I do worry about what people will think and about having to ward off harassment and other unwanted attention. Because I think this kind of expression is truly beautiful and sexy as fuck in a deeply transformative way. Any super sexy photos I have taken stay strictly between me and my husband. But there are times when I wish the world was not so inclined to the violence and perversity and destruction of the unleashed female imagination.

Thanks to women like Esther Perel and Nerrissa Nefeteri, and Cardi B (did you catch her Grammy performance?) I don’t feel quite as ashamed of needing to feel sexy or seeking pleasure in my own sexiness as I once did. It’s okay for us to be in love with and creative with our own sexual power. As to sharing that with other people, social media has seriously changed the game on that front by providing permanent as well as temporary options to express our exhibitionist qualities whenever the mood hits. In this Snaphat seflie thirst trappy culture, the average person can’t help but take at least one or two sexy photos of themselves that go out into the internet galaxy. The option to keep it to yourself is also always a sexy option. The idea is not to feel pressured to express your sexuality in any way that does not make you feel…sexy and safe, to understand truly what sexiness means for you.

My hope is for a future that continues to evolve into a place where women can continue to be sexually fearless. Because our sexual liberation, self care and being comfortable in our bodies usually leads to pleasure, joy, creation and community for all.

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Head Wrap Friday

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Is this what Chimimanda Adichie feels like all the time? Because she exudes confidence, grown woman sexiness and just grace whenever I see her. Only a few days after my Friday head wrap debut and I already know this look is going to be a permanent part of my Summer wardrobe.

First of all!

It feels very sexy in a way I had never guessed before. There is something really feminine and pretty about seeing a woman’s face framed only by a creative and classic up sweep of boldly colored fabric. I might need to incorporate this in other ways at home.

Wink wink*

I have to say, leaving my apartment in a head wrap felt very regular. I almost totally forgot about it until I saw myself in occasional urban reflective surface. And I was happy about that. I wanted it to feel fabu-normal. Yes, I just made that word up. Other than a few sweet compliments, my interactions with co-workers were normal and without incident.

Except for one.

K. is a woman of color who rarely speaks to me, mostly because I rarely have occasion to see her. She works on a different floor and pretty much keeps to herself. But last Friday she came up for some coffee we had out at reception and when she saw my head wrap her face lit up. “I really like it!” she said to me. Without being able to go into too much detail about what I know of her feelings about working where we work as a woman of color, I know that for her, the head wrap was a symbol of resistance and perhaps even liberation and I was so happy that she communicated her genuine admiration and respect to me. That maybe meant more to me than anything because it inspires me want to continue.

We are all famndjamn (strong woman in Hatian Creole) women and one of my deep desires has always been to demonstrate the strength it takes to dress on the outside in a way that reflects how one feels on the inside without shame or self consciousness, to reflect my culture, my pride and the unique twist that makes me who I am, like no one else can. Imagine how amazing we would all feel, if we could do this even just once a week!

I know it’s not something that can happen in all places of work and that dress codes often restrict our ability to wear our cultural or distinctive accoutrement on a regular basis but I would push women, particularly women of color to question exactly what we can get away with wearing in the work place and why or why not in regard to perceptions of respectability, uniformity and cultural stereotypes.

What kind of styles, hairstyles, jewelry, clothing have you wanted to wear at work that made you hesitate because you felt it might be seen as insubordinate, or keep you from getting a promotion or just make people perceive you in a way that caused them to treat you disparagingly?