“In order to have new views of life you have to have new conversations. Then you take new actions. And then you get a new result.”

-D. Cunninham

#landmark

Yup.

I did it.

I went to a Landmark forum meeting. Like many people I’ve heard of and known a few people who have done Landmark and have given it the shady side-eye for a series of reasons.

-You did Landmark and you’re still not happy. Why?

-It has to be a racket

-It sounds cultish and sketchy

-Ummm…don’t tell me what to do.

A friend of mine, a really lovely lady who I like a lot invited me and it just so happened that it was time. I’ve been seeking so I heard the call. I practice having an open heart and being aware and conscious of my cynicism and self imposed blockages. This was free. Why not? So what ended up happening was that I connected with people on an authentic and vulnerable level. That’s not a small thing. It never is.

The last time I was at a meeting like this was the Kamaria circle my dear friend at soulsistah4real invited me to be apart of. Again I was invited by friends who were graduates of the program because they know something about me and they see that I need some structure, development, discipline and breakthrough to get my whole life together. They love me. The Kamaria circle is Black woman centered and about developing leadership skills in women of the diaspora. I went to my friends graduation from the Kamaria circle last year and it was amazing to see the transformations and the seeds that had begun to flower from the work Black women were doing there. And I was still scared. I was afraid I was not up to the task of making a deeper commitment to myself. That sounds crazy just reading that. Scared to make a deeper commitment to myself. But I get it.

Last night at Landmark I was gently encouraged by a graduate who was sitting next to me (I got there right on time but to late to meet my friend who I spotted sitting further up in a different row) to go up to one of the mics set up next to stage where the speaker had invited guests to come and share with the audience. When the opportunity presented itself I raised my hand and was called up with one other guest. And I shared. I shared what I was working on about myself and challenges and realizations and gratitude for having been invited. And it felt good.

And afterwards several people came to me to thank me for what I said and all I could do was say thank you to them for being there and that I was so glad that received whatever they needed from what I said. I can’t tell you how good that felt, to be able to give something to people just by being my authentic self. So simple and yet so powerful.

My heart is still spinning. It was like a natural high…

It’s been an emotionally exhausting Summer so far.

I’m having trouble staying awake at my desk and that’s a bad sign. My mom has been visiting with us for the month of July which means I’m up late a lot hanging with her which had been great but then I’m up very early because the cat has been sleeping in the bedroom with my husband and I and he gets up at 5am on the dot like clockwork.

Meow………………….meow…………………………..MEOOOOWWWW!!!

We’ve all gotten really close.

*yawn*

I will be off on my second vacation of the Summer next week and I’m really thinking seriously about staying off the internet or any social media for that entire week. Because quite honestly, outside of my daily morning ritual, the only thing I do consistently without fail each day is log on to the various popular social media platforms. And sometimes I don’t even know why. And that worries me. I’ve become very preoccupied with certain prolific youtube vloggers, I’m constantly on Snapchat, facebook and instagram and I noticed last night that when mom had to call my great Aunt who lives in London on my cellphone, (We don’t have a landline) I literally felt lost without it.

I didn’t know what to do with my hands!!!! My thumbs were having an anxiety attack.

So next week, while I’m on vacation I’m shutting all my social media interaction down. It’s not going to be easy but I have to. I’m not saying all social media is bad but many people I know have hit a wall with it and now that time has come for me.

I used to play board games, develop film, write stories with a pen and paper, listen to music like just listen to music and nothing else. I used to read books! I can’t remember the last book I read! Oh man that Snapchat is addictive. LOL!! I have a feeling that a lot of it has to do with remaining in a place, at a job that I’ve outgrown and not knowing what my next steps should be. And then instead of trying to figure that out, I log on to hulu and watch “Clear and Present Danger.” That movie is sooooo good!

But I digress.

I want to produce more than I consume or at least as much as I consume. I wonder if that’s even possible. I’ll be exploring that during my Social Media fast.