Tag Archives: feminine

Sex With Me So Amazing

Like so many things I cherish, Esther Perel was shared with me by our dearest Khalilah Brann. Esther Perel is a therapist and psychologist whose primary focus is relationships and erotic intelligence, which I think is so dope. Erotic intelligence. Just think about that term for a minute. What comes to mind. What do you think it means?

I watch a lot of Youtube y’all. A LOT! And I can click on just about anything where Esther Perel speaks and be completely engaged, enlightened, enthralled and just wowed by her wisdom and intelligence and understanding of human sexuality and relationships. I always think I have some idea what she will say on a particular topic but she always ends up saying some truth I never knew I always knew! LOL! And in a way I never could have imagined. In other words, she surprises and empowers me at the same time. Since that doesn’t happen very often, I know when it’s real.

In the latest Esther Perel video I happened to click on randomly, she talks about how a woman has to be turned on by her own self before she can feel like she wants to have sex.

NOW!

It took 1.1 seconds for me to know this to be true but I’ve always thought that this quality in me was narcissistic and wrong because of the messaging I get from society about the evils of that kind of “self pleasuring.” But Esther doesn’t mince words. She’s not here to judge. She’s just saying it plain and she even uses the word narcissistic. But she’s not saying it’s bad. She’s just saying this is what it is that women need. We need to feel like we are sexy in order to have sex. “If she doesn’t want to make love to herself, she won’t let anybody else do it either.”

Nerisa

Cut to another woman Khalilah turned me onto, a Sistah named Nerissa Nefeteri, the self acclaimed “FemHealth Activist” whose Nene Feme Yoni wash stays in my bath time and shower rotation, the Sistah who brought us Yoni Poppin. I follow her on IG, another social media tool I am immersed in as much if not more than Youtube. Nerrissa will post a sexy random photo of herself and or her and her man (father of her beautiful children) in whatever position, wearing or not wearing whatever, whenever she sees fit. I can tell she gets off on herself but it’s not remotely similar to anything I would compare with pornography because she does it for herself, and not a male gaze. She could give a shit about what men are watching, though she know fully aware that they are. But these images are for herself and she shares them with us in an effort to promote a self awareness in Black women that really challenges notions of how we feel about our own  bodies, both physically, spiritually, emotionally and practically.

I’m not gonna lie. I sometimes will catch myself feeling like damn! I wish I could use visual mediums to be that bold and liberated about my own sexuality but I do worry about what people will think and about having to ward off harassment and other unwanted attention. Because I think this kind of expression is truly beautiful and sexy as fuck in a deeply transformative way. Any super sexy photos I have taken stay strictly between me and my husband. But there are times when I wish the world was not so inclined to the violence and perversity and destruction of the unleashed female imagination.

Thanks to women like Esther Perel and Nerrissa Nefeteri, and Cardi B (did you catch her Grammy performance?) I don’t feel quite as ashamed of needing to feel sexy or seeking pleasure in my own sexiness as I once did. It’s okay for us to be in love with and creative with our own sexual power. As to sharing that with other people, social media has seriously changed the game on that front by providing permanent as well as temporary options to express our exhibitionist qualities whenever the mood hits. In this Snaphat seflie thirst trappy culture, the average person can’t help but take at least one or two sexy photos of themselves that go out into the internet galaxy. The option to keep it to yourself is also always a sexy option. The idea is not to feel pressured to express your sexuality in any way that does not make you feel…sexy and safe, to understand truly what sexiness means for you.

My hope is for a future that continues to evolve into a place where women can continue to be sexually fearless. Because our sexual liberation, self care and being comfortable in our bodies usually leads to pleasure, joy, creation and community for all.

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Not Panicking: Lessons from The Retrogrades

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Retrogrades are not negative, they simply shift us around so we can get back into alignment.

Retrograde energy is also highly feminine and in these patriarchal times, on a subconscious level, many of us struggle to accept and integrate feminine energy into our every day lives.

-The Retrograde Effect April 2017

 

I’ve been actively practicing the art of not panicking since five planets (Jupiter, Venus, Mercury, Saturn and Pluto) went Retrograde this year, starting with  Jupiter on February 6th. I knew that if I was going to make it through without losing it, I would have to at the very least cultivate more patience than usual, not only with other people but also with myself.

It hasn’t always been successful. I like things to be where I need them to be, I need things to function as I need them to and I need to be able to communicate as well as I can, whenever necessary.

Continue reading Not Panicking: Lessons from The Retrogrades

My First Waist Beads

In African tradition, waist beads are meant to be worn under clothing. They’re for you. It’s personal.

Tica Bowden

Yesterday, after work, I picked up my very first set of waist beads from a friend in Brooklyn, who creates them by hand. It’s been quite a long time coming and finally, everything I needed to be able to commission them, lined up so I could make my order. I met Janice through my BF soulsistah4real who conducted an interview with her in 2015. I ran into her at a party for a mutual friend last month and took the opportunity to speak to her about making a set of waist beads for me with some specific energy and intention poured into them.

When Janice sent me the photo of my waist beads, I loved them right away. She used the color I love and the stones that were necessary for the intentions I am setting. Putting them on was like putting on something that belonged on me. They’re not irritable or foreign feeling at all, at least not so far. They lay comfortably just along my waistline, under my belly. They’re so light, I sometimes forget they’re even on.

Waistbeads

As I lay in bed last night, feeling them on my skin, it felt as if they were at home on me, like a part of me I didn’t know I needed. I don’t have any tattoos but I imagine this is something like what people who love tattoos feel like. It’s also wonderful to be connected to other women through an ancient tradition. It’s something beautiful  and meaningful, which is tucked away and unnoticed, yet always there and sometimes peeking through.

When we were last at Spa Castle, lounging in the hot pools on the lower level, I remember we saw several sistahs wearing waist beads. You would think that just being naked was sensual enough but waist beads have a way of enhancing feminine energy in a distinct and way that varies in nature from delicate and demure to bold and extroverted but always sexy

Like another BF of mine said, waist beads tell a story. And I know that in ancient times women who were proficient in the language of stones and colors, knew what those stories were, what tribe a woman was from, how old she was, what she was wishing for, going through, celebrating, expressing or meditating on, based on her waist beads.

The look on my husband’s face when I showed him was priceless. He was like a kid in candy store! LOL! I know it was a new feeling for him. Even I could not have anticipated the feeling I had when I put them on, and saw them on myself the first time. It’s a uniquely pleasurable experience that is a welcome departure from Western ideas about sexuality and what makes a woman beautiful.

I’m very glad that these particular waist beads are my very first set. I know they will not be the last.

Leading with The Feminine in 2015

“The white western patriarchal ordering of things requires that we believe there is an inherent conflict between what we feel and what we think–between poetry and theory. We are easier to control when one part of ourselves is split off from another, fragmented, off balance.”

-Intro for “Sister Outsider” by Audre Lorde

There is so much going on right now, I can’t even begin to get to it all. The main thing is that my husband and I have finally moved into a larger fully renovated apartment in Fort Washington. In fact, we have been literally moving for the last week and a half. We spent Christmas Eve at my sister in-laws but Christmas in general was just a train that sped by me this year. We were focused. We were moving, lifting, dragging, sweating, huffing, sore, scratched. But it was all worth it. A new home for the new year is just one of the best gifts I could ever ask for right now.

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This past Saturday, I left the new place to go to Home Depot, brought that paint to the old apartment in Harlem where I met my husband, then we spent over an hour cleaning out the place, removing trash, packing the last few things, putting things out to give away. Then we drove to my mother in laws in Rockland county, spend about 20 minutes getting dressed for a birthday party for a good friend of hers at a restaurant in Mamaroneck. We were there until after midnight. I spoke to my mom Sunday morning. She was like “Where are you now?” LOL!!

Where am I now?

Well physically I’m back at work after having been out for over a week. It’s a bit surreal. But mentally, I’m in a place of feeling a lot of real newnesshappening. There’s nothing more new than being in a new home and sharing that space equally with the person you love and share your life with. It’s beautiful. It’s immediate. I love that feeling! Family is also deeply integral to the things we have been able to get done in this short space of time. Family is so necessary. Family is team. Team gets things done, supports, motivates, challenges. And the feminine aspect of family is radical in it’s ability to influence the masculine. In all aspects of life this is true but in family when I believe it functions with balance, this fact it is fundamentally necessary.

To be quite honest, I have always been reluctant to fully occupy the space of woman because of ways in which I interpreted it’s meaning through the eyes of patriarchy. As a girl, and even as an adult it can be very hard to understand patriarchy even when you’re looking right at it.I hated to wear skirts or dresses because I always felt they impeded my need to run and jump and roll around. I hated the idea of wearing  a bra an fortunately didn’t really need to wear one until my 20s. But reading Judy Blume finally made bras seem like a feminine right of passage rather than a jail for breasts which is what I feel bras really are some of the time. I was equally as reluctant even though I had no doubts about getting married, to occupy the traditional space of wife as I saw it as a position of subservience on many levels that I couldn’t handle. But it’s steadily becoming obvious to me that in order for any marriage to work, both halves of the team need to cultivate their natural abilities in order to contribute to creation of something that works for both.

Feminine and masculine qualities exist in all of us but in a world where white patriarchy has vigilantly kept women disconnected from the power of our femininity (not as brought to you by Summer’s Eve or Maybelline) it has become second nature to most of us to feel that in order to have control, to feel value, to be seen and to be heard and taken seriously, we have to use the tools of constructed masculinity. Pants, power suits, no crying, chin up, chest out, doing everything on our own, never asking for help because we’ve been conditioned to see it as a sign of weakness or never admitting we need a man for the same reasons.

For myself, I know that the need for control rears it’s head in many aspects of the way in which I behave. I never even identified it until recently as an imbalance in the way I use masculinity to move through the world rather than equally embracing my receptivity, intuition and feelings. My ideas about what a wife and a woman can be, though I was raised in a progressive way by a mother who has cared for children since she herself was a child are not only pervasively patriarchal but they are also ideas which have come primarily from other women, which makes it very tricky, particularly for women of color to really understand how leading with the feminine can be empowering. Our ideas about power are deeply and systematically influenced by the masculine and so, like racism and self hatred, are a tough habit to break. The idea of leading with the feminine is also one that is difficult to embrace if you feel you’ve already embraced it in the ways which have been dominantly manipulated, policed and promoted by patriarchy.

For me, this is all really a work in progress, a discovery of the kind of “woman” I want to be because I’m realizing that being a woman is so much more than just this one thing. And maybe I’ve always known it a little bit but just never valued it?

God….I never valued it.

There’s so much I was informed about with regard to being a woman, loving myself and being connected to my higher self through spirit which I always felt I valued but am now realizing I never really did because I never really shared it with anyone and never fully lived it. What you live and share with those you love is part what it takes to allow yourself to be the person you truly are.