All posts by Urban Eve

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About Urban Eve

I'm a Black woman in a white washed world which is shifting gradually and beautifully into consciousness. I have an overdeveloped sense of play, a love of nature, art, photography fashion, literature, irreverence, irony. I am a late bloomer, a girly woman, a sado-sensualist, a pleasure cooker, a shedonist, a huge film fanatic, lover of DIY craft and the endless gifts of nature. I love that I was born a Black Woman because there is no limit to the potential I will unfold and manifest through my re-connection to my rich, broad, magical, spiritual history and ancestry, through research, community, nature, prayer, imagination and creativity. I like being still, moving swiftly and creating instinctively.

Patriarchy is against Nature

Nature is patient.jpg

This week, at our monthly staff meeting, our director gave a presentation using the observation of seasons as it applies to gardening or growing anything natural as a way of looking at the ways in which we work. As an aside she mentioned the ways in which she is was aware that systemic hierarchy and patriarchy are obstacles to the ability for nature to flourish but that since we work within one, this model was mostly a useful metaphor.

Winter being the time of rest and planning, envisioning what you wish to manifest, Spring being the time to start planting those seeds and caring for the soil in which they are planted and beginning to see tiny shoots spring up from the earth, Summer the time when all of your dreams and visions start to bloom at their fullest, and Fall the time of harvest, when you reap the benefits of all your bounty and begin to evaluate what if anything went wrong or what worked the best. And then you do it all again. Women’s bodies do this all the time whether we are conscious of it or not.

Think about that.

Kushite

It really got my attention, since when I think of the observation of seasons I think of the ways in which they are utilized as tools of the divine feminine with regard to the cycle of life in the ways I began to be instructed when I started to commune with sisters who were about that life a few years ago.

Patriarchy is not patient, but fearful and violent, is not cyclical but lineal and essentially in so many other ways is against nature itself. Patriarchy, which I would like to make clear should not be equated solely with masculinity (masculine energy is essential for life to exist) is a destructive imbalance and misuse of power and an aberration which deeply afflicts women, particularly Black women. Black women are slowly dying from patriarchy in ways that can never be addressed by feminism, which I am really starting to feel is just this twisted offshoot of patriarchy. But  I will go into that more in another entry.

What I do know for sure is that most of the systems under which we live were not created with women in mind, because any matriarchal system would always incorporate the need for a woman to observe, support and learn from her cycle in addition to her chosen work/ career. A matriarchal system would recognize and institute ways in which a woman could do, both the work she was born to do as woman as well as the work she chooses to do. Any matriarchal society would recognize that a woman’s body after she begins seeing her period is trying to create a space in which the possibility for procreation is possible, that life is always trying to happen, and that a system has already been in place to maintain and manage the cycle of life since the dawn of consciousness. The matriarchal system is closest to the system of nature, of cycles and of seasons. And more often than not, we are in the way of that and have been for way too long.

 

Urban Eve’s Life Giving List for March 2016

Music: Rihanna’s “Anti” album

Not only have I been listing to Rihanna sing about whiskey making her feel pretty and how Sex with her is so amazing for like three weeks but my husband listens to it as well. In fact last week we were playing Scattegories while listening to it on Apple TV and we had to pause before “Desperado” started because we wanted to sing along after we got down our list of words. LOL! Some songs sound like country, others like pop, and some are a mix classic 50s ballad music mixed with just drunkin fabulous mess. Who else does this?

Beauty: Dior Nail Polish in Pandore

My friend and co-worker are up in Sephora literally like every week polishing our nails. It is our therapy in and in many ways it keeps us sane and color trendy at the same time. I was changing my color every week until I found this one color I can’t not stop using. i haven’t changed my color in a few weeks now. I didn’t even want to add glitter to it and I want to add glitter to everything! LOL!

Pandore is this flaming hot vibrant color that is equal parts playful and sexy. I would describe the shade as closest to the color of poppies. Incidentally Rihanna is wearing the color on her nails on the image above but it shows up much brighter and bolder in morre direct light. I may have to buy it but with nail color as with movies I always face the same problem, that once I own it, I may never use or view it again.

Movies: Finding Vivian Maier 

Maier

I have a fascination with disturbed artists (which ones are not? Haha!) and as a photographer I’d been wanting to see Finding Vivian Maier since it was released years ago but never was able to catch it. By chance I found it on Netflix about week ago. This European born woman who was a nanny for several New York families took thousands upon thousands of photos which she never printed or developed or intended to share. And her eye was amazing. I remember looking at her work which consisted primarily of candid street photography when it was first discovered and thinking there was no way she didn’t want someone to see these. But she didn’t. She was brilliant artistically. And she was very troubled. In high school, these were some of my favorite kinds of people. Now that I’m an adult I just learn what I can by observing from afar.

Food

As you know by now, I enjoy food I love with my entire body. My emotional attachment to food is very real. Last week my Sephora sis took me to a Japanese place in our midtown work area called Kobeyaki. She ordered a dish that I can’t remember and some cinnamon buns with Black Sesame dipping sauce. Black sesame flavor is one my favorite things ever. Before these damn cinnamon rolls, the Black Sesame Frappuchino at Zaiya Cafe was my instant happy maker for a couple of summers. But these cinnamon rolls are warm, and covered in sugar and the sweet Black Sesame sauce is cool and oooooooooohhhhhhh they’re soooooooo good together. I just close my eyes and let it all wash over me and through me and….They kind of remind me of Churros when you dip them in melted chocolate the way they’re supposed to be eaten. Awww man! Now I’m thinking about getting some after work and that is so unnecessary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I skipped my Morning Ritual this Morning and it didn’t work out for me

As a woman there are those days in my cycle just a few days before menstruation where I’m just flat out of it. And this morning was one of those days. My 5am Morning Ritual alarm went off and I was going nowhere. Just nowhere. Even at 7am I still didn’t want to rise but I did. And I was annoyed at the white guy sitting next to me in the outside seat of a two-seater. I was annoyed even as I listened to music and played Color switch. A couple of times I just turned and burned a hole in the side of his face because he was moving around so damn much because apparently he needed his seat and a part of mine as well.

When I switched trains I pushed through a bunch of people, you know the ones who insist on crowding at the door when there’s a fucking sprawling emptiness in the center of the car? I said excuse me the whole time. I even said excuse, me can I get to the center of the car just so they would know why they were being shoved aside. And it took all my energy to recompose myself and not feel bad for doing that.

And then when I got to work, my supervisor tries me by asking a gentleman who I was in deep conversation with if we could do anything to help him! As if he was not employed (he is one of the primary mail carriers in the building,) as if he was a threat. And as if she had not seen me talking and laughing with him tens of times before at the reception desk over the last year!

That made me angry. But quickly and with a smile on my face I said to her “Oh we’re just talking.” And then turning to her with a smile ” What do you want?” She told me what she needed. I complied and went back to talking with my friend.

It takes so much for me to bury my reactions to what I know to be the the treatment of Black men as threats even in situations where they are submissive, kind, polite, compliant and well mannered. I see it happen all the time and it fucks with me. It gives me flashes of what slavery and post slavery must of been like and I experience pangs of post traumatic slavery syndrome that I really don’t want any part of but which I know I can no longer distance myself from. And my buffer is non-existent. I hate that I have to protect a Black mans right to be having a conversation with me. I hate that I have to pretend to be okay working with people who feel like their good intentions are enough to excuse the same morally ambiguous behavior that they themselves complain about. I know I cannot resolve this through anger. I know my emotions are running high because my cycle is generating those hormones that make me extra sensitive. So I take a moment to feel my feelings and then try to do something that makes me smile.

I will not be getting up late tomorrow though, I can tell you that much.

Gemini’s are whoever you catch them being at the time

“I am two people, one you know but don’t like,

the other one you don’t know,

but you don’t want to.

I have two faces,

One of which you know,

the other one

for your sake

I never will show.”

Morrissey (Gemini)

 

The two men in the image above are both Geminis. In the televised money drive for the victims of Hurricane Katrina in 2005, Mike Myers stuck to the script. Kanye did not. Based on Kanye’s live and unexpected revelation that Bush did not care about Black people, many of us thought that Kanye would continue to champion the rights of under served Blacks, poor, underprivileged, and otherwise but alas now we can only speculate that perhaps even then he was only trying to get the infamous attention that he is now known for, for shooting his mouth off about bullshit, reacting and self hating and egging on petty squabbles in the media.

Lauryn Hill, another Gemini artist who spoke to our hearts about self love, relationships, and heartache in “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill” probably one of the greatest albums of a generation if not all time in my opinion was rumored to have had a nervous breakdown soon after the massive success of the album. I had sympathy. We all go through these things. I was like take all the time you need sis. She came out with some sad depressing tracks where she cried. Okay, sometimes you need to work out that depression through your art. Time went by. A spattering of clever of slightly disjointed tracks addressing injustice and “Consummerism” were released. Live shows were announced and for each one there have been reports of Lauryn showing up late if at all, playing weak, heartless sets and just generally never seeming to have her heart in the music at all. I held on as long as I could. I love some Lauryn Hill like you don’t even know but after awhile of hearing all this news about her just not showing and being rude to her fans when she did… I figure she’s not the same Lauryn Hill we used to know.

For better or worse, Geminis do that often when you think you know them best.

Prince, as talented, unique, prolific, and dynamic as he is, used to be a totally paranoid, narcissistic, controlling, cruel, asshole. Again, I have loved Prince forever, so I’ve done my research. Remember when no one could get to interview him ever? Remember when he would get upset if anyone made eye contact with him?

LMAO!!! That was my favorite.

And then Rolling Stone got the first interview and afterwards others followed and he let down his guard more and started to reveal some discoveries he was making about the nature of reality, namely that fame was an illusion. And we started to see a different Prince both in his music and in his life choices.

Then there’s Donald Drumpf or as you know him Donald Trump, another Gemini who is literally the personification of a yo-yo. He will say whatever he needs to at the moment to serve his needs not matter if he said the exact opposite on the record with equal conviction a few years ago. Sadly, I am familiar with his stereo typically Gemini display of two-facedness.

Then there is Kendrick Lamarr, a Gemini I have never seen before who I am watching closely and trying to not raise on any pedestals. He just busted out and created an album unlike any rap album I have ever heard before and his performance at this years Grammy’s was like an electrifying excerpt from a full length revolutionary stage play/musical. Like a Gemini comfortable in their skin, he wears his multiple caps proudly and displays his talent and dedication to the cause with unapologetic fearlessness and passion.

At our worst, Geminis are self serving, isolated, tyrannical, gossip mongers, who say one thing and do another, trust no one, and our only out for ourselves.

At our best, we are generous, understanding, creative, highly communicative, friendly, supportive, imaginative, adventurous, and self inventive.

We are two people, and when fully conscious we are on a journey to strike the perfect balance with one another so that we can serve our relationship with the world outside of our heads to the best of our ability. Sometimes we fail miserably to live up to the expectations people have of us based on who they thought we were. But Geminis are never just one type of person. You can know them forever and never get to see every face because sometimes even they are aware of how many facets they possess.

I can’t say that I will ever like a Gemini like Donald Trump but I do think I understand his behavior and the behavior of a lot of troubled Geminis more than I am proud to admit. While  I don’t think one should ever lose sight of anyone’s ability to evolve, I also respect the right of anyone dealing with a negative Gemini to just be like, okay I can’t roll with ya’ll two anymore. That’s enough. Lord knows I’ve had to do the same with Gems I’ve known more than once. But one thing a Gemini can always do is surprise you. Whether or not that element of surprise is enough to turn the tide is sometimes also a mystery.

 

 

Can The Revolution be Irresistible?

God gave Noah the rainbow sign, no more water but fire next time.

Irresistible: too powerful or convincing to be resisted.

I was looking at The Very Black Project feed on IG this week and they had this image up which I can’t really remember because for once I was more impressed by the caption.

“Make the revolution irresistible”It said.

It made me pause and think, is it possible? What would that look like? What would that feel like, sound like? Have we already begun to experience it? I know that for me, The Very Black Project makes the revolution irresistible all the time. I love how unapologetically Very Black they are. I love how  unapologetically  Black Beyonce’s “Formation” video is. I love how unapologetically Black For Harriet, The Black Divine Feminine Reawakened, Nubiamancy, and many more  Black movement activists/artists/educators/intellectuals I follow are.  And then last night my sis, soulsistah4real alerted me to “Kendrick Lamar’s” Grammy performance last night. If you haven’t seen it, just stop reading now and go watch. Watch it a few times. I had to watch it at least three times. It was one of those moments like  the one in which I first saw the Apple commercial with Mary J Blige, Kerry Washington and Taraji P. Henson that I had to sort of pinch myself, like what is happening right now? White people are not going to swoop in and ruin this with their…existence?

This was performance art. This was “his” story making. This was raw, hard, brutal, vulnerable, beautiful, real, healing, strong. This was the Blackest shit I have seen since the “Formation” video dropped before  the super bowl. It is packed, layered, choreographed, written, laid out, ghetto, hood, chockfull of ugly truths and divine origins. And the roaring high flame fire in the back was like was a unmistakably primal and prophetic backdrop. I still have yet to fully unpack it. For now, I just want to feel it’s meaning reverberate inside me. I just want to let it wash over me, the fact of it.

I haven’t watched the Grammys in years. Not since it was truly honoring Black people who invented the popular genres which began to be vastly appropriated by Whites in the industry. But I do wish I had caught Kendrik’s performance live. I would have been stunned. But I am thankful to be seeing it at all and all I want to do is hear the critiques of it by people and programs of color that I respect. Since “Formation” dropped I have so little interest in what white people think about unapologetically Black expression. They cannot participate in a conversation whose language they cannot comprehend.

I am just so blessed to be living in a time where it is possible for revolution to be truly irresistible, where the truth being released is so compelling, so powerful, that there is no question where our place is, what our role is.

Every race start from the Black. Just remember that.

 

 

 

 

Morning Ritual Report

I drag myself out of bed between 5:00 and 5:30am Every weekday morning. If my alarm is not going off, my cat is meowing like his life depends on getting inside the bedroom. That’s actually helpful.

I grab my yoga mat, yoga block, phone and laptop. I open the door, blocking Jet’s way in. I lay my laptop on the table next to my journal, my yoga mat and block on a chair for later and I put a pot ff water on the stove. My morning ritual begins.

Black woman yoga

The quiet at that time of the morning is palpable. There is a stillness that I revel in no matter how I’m feeling emotionally. It’s my time and my choice to get done what I need for myself and myself alone. To stretch, pray, meditate, reflect and drink something warm while I journal. One of my favorite morning yoga positions is supported fish pose because it opens your chest and allows you to breath deeper. Deep, full breaths that get all down in the bottom of you and flow out slowly feel so good. Any yoga pose that requires you to open your chest is also great for your heart chakra.

I haven’t been keeping track of how log I’ve been doing this for fear that keeping track this early might trigger laziness. I’d say I’ve been at it consistently for a few weeks, three at the most. It takes a lot for me to get myself up out my cozy bed but I think the reason I continue to do it is because of the way I feel at the end. I feel like I’m able to get my head together enough to not feel unprepared by the time I leave the apt, to feel like I’m not rushing, to feel calm, energized and ready to face the world. That’s worth a lot to me. It means I can relax a bit. It means that I can detach from the mounting illusion of resentment, pessimism and nay saying I confront both from outside and inner voices and confront the world more balanced, more closely connected to love, however small or significant that may appear to be to others.

My morning ritual is steadily becoming a space I’ve created that allows me to return to a level of conscious center. I invite myself in and accept my own invitation. It’s like the way I feel in nature. I can always find myself there. And it’s important to have a place or space where you can find yourself no matter what is going on.

Be blessed.

Jet Baby

Bop bops, love bunch, schwoopy poopy…I call my cat a lot of cutesy names. Sometimes I just call him noises. Like I just make noises at him and cuddle him against his will, though I’ve been trying to back off lately. I don’t think anyone really truly understands cats the way they do dogs. Because they evolved as solitary hunters, they don’t express a need for companionship or affection in the same way as canines do. And I think I like this because I have a bit aversion to overly clingy beings. So I get to be the clingy one with him because, well, I’m human and bigger and in charge. I think we have our ideas about what cats want, and why and we’re usually way off base. But here’s what I can tell you so far about the cat we’ve named Jet who has been living with us since August 2015.

When I first picked him up at the YMCA shelter and put him on my shoulder, he was purring like a loud motor. He was curious, cautious and easily distracted. And my heart did a million unrecognizable flips. He hid under the bed for like a day when we got home with him which didn’t surprise me. Cats are not fans of change. My family had one when I was a girl and when we moved from Brooklyn to the Bronx she hid in the ceiling of the basement (don’t ask how) for days. She came out when she was ready to.

Jet is six months old and still social at this point. People come over and he wants to be around. Anyone, friends, meter reader, superintendent. He wants to sniff around them and walk around them, be around. He has a nerve as all cats do to want to be in my space but not necessarily engage with me. In fact the only time I really know that he actually wants to engage with me is when he meows. Meowing is something I have learned that cats only do to communicate with humans. Cats don’t meow among themselves. So when Jet meows, I know he either wants to get into a room I’ve locked, wants to be picked up so he can knead his paws and claws into my flesh or is frustrated because he can’t get some mysterious piece of something out from under a piece of furniture or the ball in his box is being audaciously non-cooperative .

His favorite toy (he has a collection) is the feather teaser and I have a lot of fun using it to play with him. I enjoy seeing how agile he is, how improvisational and energetic. I like to see what choices he makes in the way he moves and how long it takes to tire him out as he grows bigger.

When he sleeps, he sleeps like a log. A cat’s sleep schedule(16-20 hours a day), particularly when it feels safe, is pretty serious. Last night he went under the bed, sat in one of my shoe boxes and slept for like 3 hours straight. But I have never ever in my life, except in online photos, seen a cat sleep with such sprawling abandon. My husband and I laugh at him all the time and send one another pictures of him during the day if the other happens to be home with him. His sleeping positions range from the hilarious to the poetic.

Jet hates taking pictures. This I know. When he knows I’m focused on him, he looks away. He doesn’t give care at all about messing up my shots Cats are the best at throwing you shady looks when they don’t want to be bothered. I take a bunch of great pictures of him regardless, more than I would ever admit. It’s what I do.

Jet also doesn’t care about television, though I think he is marginally aware when it’s on that it contributes to the general buzz of the apartment when my husband and I are both home. He was mildly obsessed with my laptop for a bit. Whenever I played iTunes he would walk on my keyboard, try to pull off the protector, bite the edges of the screen. I like to think it’s because he hated Drake because that was all I was playing at the time. LOL!

If we lived in a bigger space and had more money, (feeding a pet is not cheap) I would definitely want another cat. Cats are just really calming for me. Cats, doing my nails….walking in 12 inches of freshly fallen snow, all calming. LOL! There is nothing nicer than knowing at the end of my work day, that I’m coming home to my husband and our cat. It’s so corny, I know but I feel like my blood pressure is that much lower because of this cozy routine. And Jet is by no means a cat that is even mildly obsessed with cuddling with either one of us for more than like a few minutes. He’s very deliberate about when he employs touch or the old brush against the leg. But it’s obvious he’s very relaxed around us, he’s bonded to us. He likes us. But I think if he could talk, he would be hard pressed to admit it. Liking us is besides the point. Play time, the next nap and meal time are bigger priorities.

 

 

Painting my nails calms me…

It’s also one of the first strong connections I remember being consciously aware of as a feminine ritual. I can remember my mom getting a box of a set of Amway nail polishes. She picked out an orange color (though I desperately wanted the bright blood red) and painted my nails with it. I can remember the cool feeling of the wet brush as she touched it down on my first index finger nail. There was me before nail polish and me after nail polish. I felt like I had been initiated wordlessly in that moment, accepted into an endless world of making pretty through art.

24511595341_6c3a36f235_o

This all came to me tonight as I was painting my nails with this new Julep color from the Essence Beauty Box called Jess. It is a chocolate brown and it occurs to me that I have painted my nails every type of color you can think of but I have never painted them a chocolate brown. It really does feel like painting my nails with chocolate. Mmmmm! Imagine!?

LOL!

Painting my nails is a ritual that I never felt was foreign to me. The minute my mom painted my nails for the first time that day, I took to it like a duck to water and have never looked back. Sometimes I can barely wait for my next nail polish fix. I’ll do my nails a color I don’t even love just to be doing them. There’s something about the act of doing it that’s almost meditative to me, the whole process. It clears my head. It puts me in a zone. And at the end of it I have pretty, sexy shiny nails.

I know that my inclination towards being “artistic” counts for at least 60 percent of why I love doing my nails. I like to use sparkles and sprinkles on them as much as the primary color. But everything about doing my nails also feels sensual and delicate and beautiful, at least when it’s being done right which is most of the time when I’m doing it for myself. I do like my share of manicures when I have the time and $. I might be one of those rare customers who tends to watch every little thing my manicurist is doing and having paid close attention for years, I know who is really good, who is professional and who is an artist, hopefully all three.

I’m not perfect at it, but I’m pretty darn good. And it’s one of the few things I don’t compete against myself to be good at. I just do it for fun, because it feels good, because shine and colors are pretty and literally therapeutic for me. To me the makeup and cosmetics table at Sephora is a potential artist meet up. I go for the inspiration, transformation and creativity which is at the core of feminine energy.

Time Stopping Thursdays: T. Milly Choreography

I won’t say too much. I just have always loved danced in all it’s myriad forms and this morning when I watched this, I got goose pimples all over my body and couldn’t stop moving in my chair. I watched it a second time straight and maybe a third. If you can watch this and not move, you’re either sick, depressed or dead. It’s so infectious. What I like most about it, is that every dance group brings a totally unique interpretation to the exact same steps. How amazing is the language of dance? No two bodies speak it the same way.

Morning Ritual Creator

Wouldn’t it be great if there was a kind of online morning ritual creator for non-morning types like me where you could type in a few of the things that would get you to look forward to rising in the morning, something that would just crank out the perfect morning ritual customized just for you? Ritualcreator.com?

I’m sure there will be soon. And until then, I will be creating my own.

I’m not a morning person, but this year I’m going to become one. Because this Mercury Retrograde month is finally making me realize that I can’t afford to be out here, getting up in the morning with no plan, no sense of what to wear, how to feel, just scrambling at the last minute and ejecting my half-awake self out into the cold world with nothing but random music to fuel me and yummy breakfast to look forward to.

Nah-uh. That’s not gonna work for me this year. This year has got to be about getting my life in the morning before I go out to face the world. I deserve that and so does the world.

My sistah at Soulsistah4real has had a great morning ritual down pat for a few years now. It’s evolved to where it is now and I’ve always admired and kind of envied her for it. But like I said, I’m not a morning person at all so I have come to this finally over a period of years and years of resistance. And since the time we hung having great conversations about nurturing, honing and evolving our feminine tools out at Spa Castle a week ago, I’ve been thinking about what kind of morning ritual would work for me.

First I think about why I hate getting up. I like being warm and snuggly and don’t like the idea of being pulled out of that. So I have to create another kind of warmth for myself that will make me look forward to getting up in the morning. Namely nice sounds, tea, and or warm water with lemon and a neat clean cozy living room. I’m thinking some movement and stretches should come first, since that’s the last thing I want to do in the morning. LOL!!

Then I will settle down with something warm to drink and do some journaling and intention setting. I’m still searching for some daily affirmations. After that I will start getting ready the way I normally do, shower, dressing, make up, cuddle the cat, pack my lunch and head out.

Let’s see how it goes. I’ll try it for about a week and report back. In the meantime I’ll do a little research on the morning rituals of other happily functioning people.