“In order to have new views of life you have to have new conversations. Then you take new actions. And then you get a new result.”

-D. Cunninham

#landmark

Yup.

I did it.

I went to a Landmark forum meeting. Like many people I’ve heard of and known a few people who have done Landmark and have given it the shady side-eye for a series of reasons.

-You did Landmark and you’re still not happy. Why?

-It has to be a racket

-It sounds cultish and sketchy

-Ummm…don’t tell me what to do.

A friend of mine, a really lovely lady who I like a lot invited me and it just so happened that it was time. I’ve been seeking so I heard the call. I practice having an open heart and being aware and conscious of my cynicism and self imposed blockages. This was free. Why not? So what ended up happening was that I connected with people on an authentic and vulnerable level. That’s not a small thing. It never is.

The last time I was at a meeting like this was the Kamaria circle my dear friend at soulsistah4real invited me to be apart of. Again I was invited by friends who were graduates of the program because they know something about me and they see that I need some structure, development, discipline and breakthrough to get my whole life together. They love me. The Kamaria circle is Black woman centered and about developing leadership skills in women of the diaspora. I went to my friends graduation from the Kamaria circle last year and it was amazing to see the transformations and the seeds that had begun to flower from the work Black women were doing there. And I was still scared. I was afraid I was not up to the task of making a deeper commitment to myself. That sounds crazy just reading that. Scared to make a deeper commitment to myself. But I get it.

Last night at Landmark I was gently encouraged by a graduate who was sitting next to me (I got there right on time but to late to meet my friend who I spotted sitting further up in a different row) to go up to one of the mics set up next to stage where the speaker had invited guests to come and share with the audience. When the opportunity presented itself I raised my hand and was called up with one other guest. And I shared. I shared what I was working on about myself and challenges and realizations and gratitude for having been invited. And it felt good.

And afterwards several people came to me to thank me for what I said and all I could do was say thank you to them for being there and that I was so glad that received whatever they needed from what I said. I can’t tell you how good that felt, to be able to give something to people just by being my authentic self. So simple and yet so powerful.

My heart is still spinning. It was like a natural high…

It’s been an emotionally exhausting Summer so far.

I’m having trouble staying awake at my desk and that’s a bad sign. My mom has been visiting with us for the month of July which means I’m up late a lot hanging with her which had been great but then I’m up very early because the cat has been sleeping in the bedroom with my husband and I and he gets up at 5am on the dot like clockwork.

Meow………………….meow…………………………..MEOOOOWWWW!!!

We’ve all gotten really close.

*yawn*

I will be off on my second vacation of the Summer next week and I’m really thinking seriously about staying off the internet or any social media for that entire week. Because quite honestly, outside of my daily morning ritual, the only thing I do consistently without fail each day is log on to the various popular social media platforms. And sometimes I don’t even know why. And that worries me. I’ve become very preoccupied with certain prolific youtube vloggers, I’m constantly on Snapchat, facebook and instagram and I noticed last night that when mom had to call my great Aunt who lives in London on my cellphone, (We don’t have a landline) I literally felt lost without it.

I didn’t know what to do with my hands!!!! My thumbs were having an anxiety attack.

So next week, while I’m on vacation I’m shutting all my social media interaction down. It’s not going to be easy but I have to. I’m not saying all social media is bad but many people I know have hit a wall with it and now that time has come for me.

I used to play board games, develop film, write stories with a pen and paper, listen to music like just listen to music and nothing else. I used to read books! I can’t remember the last book I read! Oh man that Snapchat is addictive. LOL!! I have a feeling that a lot of it has to do with remaining in a place, at a job that I’ve outgrown and not knowing what my next steps should be. And then instead of trying to figure that out, I log on to hulu and watch “Clear and Present Danger.” That movie is sooooo good!

But I digress.

I want to produce more than I consume or at least as much as I consume. I wonder if that’s even possible. I’ll be exploring that during my Social Media fast.

I started following Manzel Bowman on IG after seeing just one image. When I see something which shreds through my brain, stops time and leaves me gaping in wonder and strange familiarity, there’s no dying it’s connection to something inside me which I never realized someone outside of me was examining with such fearlessness. It’s almost jarring.

I knew the moment I saw the piece above by him the first time that he was locked into something deeply primal, subconscious, ancient and futuristic all at once. And I knew he was Black. His collages beg for exploration and time. It’s weird to see something like that on IG where we kind of glance for half a second, double tap and forget. Manzel’s work just made me stop scrolling and delve. What is happening in these worlds? What is this feeling? I want to know where it comes from.

It was like looking at Earth Wind and Fire Covers  in my dads record collection when I was a girl. But this is not Earth Wind and Fire. This is something else. How he balances the busy elements of night, day, water, cosmos, African and Khemetic symbols and deities and effects a kind of explosive stillness I can only liken to being high, I can’t seem to figure. But each one draws me immediately into an unexpectedly meditative state. I recognize it, not only because of it’s clearly overt representations of Blackness, femininity, Khemet and African culture, but something else. Something…not of this world.

I got my husband to buy me one of his prints for me for our second year anniversary last week. It’s nothing like this image above though. Equally as abstract and surreal but comparatively more tame, it packs a punch with fewer elements. I do want to get one of these more elaborate and grand pieces at some point though. There is a powerful event happening in Manzels art that is beyond what I have seen in modern collage in a long time. I think it deserves to be celebrated.

Continue reading Hair today →

How I have not been writing about this sewing class I’ve been taking this whole time, I don’t know. I guess I’ve just been kind of focused on being there and not reflecting on it until it was over. That doesn’t mean I haven’t taken a ton of photos though.

I mean…come on.

Taking this sewing class has simply been something I did because I’ve wanted to for so long and the universe was like here ya go. So although there was a part of me that was reluctant to “sacrifice” my time, I knew that I was really just responding to a lifetime being intimidated by something my mom did with ease in my household for years as I was growing up but the part of me that has been rapt with fascination by Fashion, Project Runway and DIY craft for years said yes.

The most frightening and at the same time most amazing thing to me about sewing anything is taking a piece of cloth and having to trust that if you follow instructions you will turn that raw textile into something functional and beautiful.

For example.:

Our teacher will have us cut out squares of denim in order to make welt pockets for a messenger bag which was our second project. When I’m looking at these pieces of denim I’ve cut with my clumsy non expert fingers, all  can see is ragged edges and potential disaster. LOL!!!

It’s awful but true. And with things like this I become an obsessive perfectionist, which means nothing good, which means I over correct, over literalize, and then I become paralyzed. I’m doing nothing but looking down and grumbling internally.  I can’t do that in sewing class. I have to just listen, trust, watch and do. Next thing you know I have this fucking clean, beautiful, dope ass welt pocket with sharp, pressed corners and I’m like, did I do that? How did I do that?

But I did. I did it. I’m doing it. It’s being done.

Fabric is a material a medium for construction just like anything else, like brick, paint, food, paper, yarn, ideas. Everything we wear started out as raw unshaped material, as an idea. Sure, machines do a lot of the work that creates much of the apparel we purchase these days but that was only after the pattern and blue print that was created originally by human minds and hands.

Like many of us, my mind sometimes grinds on itself at the thought of having to make something I have never made before that I could easily go out and buy. Especially with a craft I have no confidence or practice in. Most women even now own a needle and thread or a sewing kit. Wait do you? I do. But I was raised by a certified West Indian seamstress. Well anyway, even if we do have needle and thread, we rarely if ever use it. We think ourselves incapable of creating things that will be as beautiful or functional as something we can purchase elsewhere. Who has time for that?

Well you have time for whatever you make time for. And making something, anything with your own hands requires you to first understand that everything made by man can be made by you. Then you have to let go of the ideas of what it means to be the person who makes these things so well because you won’t create anything the way others do. You will follow the same instructions but you will do things differently. We may all have the same projects but what we produce will not be like anyone else’s.

I love to see the smile on my teacher’s face when he looks at each stage of completion in our garments, because each piece he sees, he’s never seen before and he can see the commitment in our work. I imagine that that feels very rewarding for him on many levels. Because creating something is like giving birth but helping someone to discover their potential to create something they never thought it was possible to create. That’s got to be an amazing feeling.

Because I’m a philosopher at heart, I’ve been asking myself questions about my life based on what I’ve been learning in sewing class about molding fabric into garments. Questions like, when you acquire a material with a vision in mind for your life and end up never using it, or start using it but never finish, what does that mean? Why do you feel like you can’t take that raw material and make your life beautiful especially if it’s material that you were born with? What’s stopping you? Fear of failure? Lack of confidence? Low self esteem? Laziness?

Of course these are all questions I’m asking myself. Is that why I have a collection of unfinished projects, or finished projects with no direction that are never revealed, never made functional?

This sewing class has only been about six or seven week and not once have I ever felt like a failure. I’ve felt intimidated, challenged, frustrated and impatient but never like quitting. My natural tendency towards a love of making things as well as an inherited attention to garment structure prevails . And I just always keep in mind that on the first day of class our teacher’s one and only demand and challenge to us was that:

“It must be beautiful.”

That is literally his motto. And you know when it’s beautiful and when it’s not and part of that knowing has to do with how it will function both practically, aesthetically and emotionally.

I don’t think that’s too much to ask for at all, not from sewing class and not from life.